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Rapidz

Leadership
Advisor
Quality Assurance
VIP
Jan 27, 2020
153
110
  1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
  2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
 

Tindon

Senior Admin
Quality Assurance
Jan 6, 2020
26
6
1. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
2. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

3.Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.


 
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Squishy

Senior Admin
Quality Assurance
VIP
Jan 26, 2020
144
133
15
  1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
  2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
  5. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
  6. Joke about going home from work

  7. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
  8. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
  9. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
  10. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
  11. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
  12. When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
  13. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
  14. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
  15. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
  16. Fun flamingo joke

  17. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  18. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
  19. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
  20. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
  21. Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
  22. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
  23. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
  24. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  25. Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
  26. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
  27. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  28. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
  29. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
  30. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
  31. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
  32. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
  33. And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
  34. Joke about traffic light changing

  35. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
  36. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
  37. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
  38. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
  39. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!". The other cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter".
  40. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  41. What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Ketchup.
  42. Why is there a fence around a cemetery? People are dying to get in.
  43. Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? They woke him up.
  44. How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
  45. When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...
  46. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
  47. What has three letters and starts with gas. A Car.
  48. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket!
  49. I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing.
  50. Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet? They got stuck at C.
  51. I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster, if anything it made him more sluggish.
  52. Somebody stole my microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.
  53. Just remember - you never really completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
 
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MarZbr

Admin
VIP
Mar 19, 2020
19
6
To Enter The Give Away:
-You Most Like The Post.
-You Need Tell One Funny Joke-(You Must Do This) The Limit Of Jokes You Can Post Is FIVE Now, Because OF Squishy, With 53 Jokes.)
-Tell Us Your Favorite Food & Movie-(It is Optional)

The GIVEAWAY Will Be On May 15th OR 16th Of 2020.
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
Gets me every time haha!
And uh idk favorite movie probably Trainspotting.
 

chrisblammo123

Admin
Technical
Jan 28, 2020
61
51
Minnesota
www.discogs.com
Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
A: Stairs

Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?
A: On a diet

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: Write on!

Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
A: Lonely

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights!

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?
A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!

Q: Were you long in the hospital?
A: No, I was the same size I am now!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What did the laundryman say to the impatient customer?
A: Keep your shirt on!

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: Because it held up some pants!

Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
A: They had just finished a March of 31 days.

Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates!

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto!

Q: What is green and has yellow wheels?
A: Grass…..I lied about the wheels!

Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
A: Her nose!

Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night?
A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!

Q: Why do you go to bed every night?
A: Because the bed won't come to you!

Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!

Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide?
A: Because it's too cold out-tide!

Q: How do you cure a headache?
A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A minnie van!

Q: Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
A: Because they take too long to change!

Q: Why did the man run around his bed?
A: To catch up on his sleep!

Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
A: He wanted to make a clean get away!


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Biggie cheese

Member
May 2, 2020
4
0
here are my jokes: my life, I'm a failed abortion, and Everyone has heard of Hitler, But what about Helen Keller?
 
May 5, 2020
4
3
1. What do you call a dinosaur who doesn't know when to quit?
a SAUR loser.
2. What's the difference between a business man in a motorcycle and a homeless man in a bicycle?
a tire. (attire)
3. Why couldn't the orphan play baseball?
Because he couldn't run home.
4. Don't be sad because sad spelled backwards is das and das not good.
5. What is Hitler's favorite number?
Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! (9! 9! 9! 9!)
 

Xados

Admin
Quality Assurance
VIP
Jan 8, 2020
63
56
Ohio, United States
Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates!
 

dot

Member
Mar 17, 2020
28
5
To Enter The Give Away:
-You Most Like The Post.
-You Need Tell One Funny Joke-(You Must Do This) The Limit Of Jokes You Can Post Is FIVE Now, Because OF Squishy, With 53 Jokes.)
-Tell Us Your Favorite Food & Movie-(It is Optional)

The GIVEAWAY Will Be On May 15th OR 16th Of 2020.
My dad told me a joke,
He is kind of a joker.